What in the hell …

Hola, amigos. I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been puttin’ out fires left and right. Not really. I’ve been wasting my life. I know this cuz see my true vocation involves food in some way. I’m so sure of this I don’t even need a metaphor to make the point. I’m as sure as a metaphorless certainty. And when you do something that isn’t your vocation you’re wasting your time, see?

Anyway I wouldn’t have bothered to post about this but Ted didn’t answer the phone when I called. Me and Ted we talk about food a lot, mostly on gmail chat when we should be working. Tonight’s food situation was… well, let’s just say I had to call him to tell him straight out, not fuck around with the internet thing. I had to tell him about the food, and my new idea.

Okay so here’s the food. The plan was barbequed fake chik’n strips with onions, served on bread. We had a bit of leftover quinoa and I figured what the hell, throw that in. It’s all almost ready and then to my dismay, no goddamn barbeque sauce. Thinking quickly, my wife suggested I consult the How To Cook Everything cookbook. I was skeptical.

Here’s what I did, riffing off what the cookbook suggested.

LOTS of ketchup. A lot of mustard but not quite as much as the ketchup. Lots of garlic powder. A fair bit of molasses, but less than the mustard. A reasonable helping of Sriracha hot sauce. About an equal quantity of honey. A capful of vinegar. Poured it all right on top of the food in the frying pan and stirred. I knew there was a chance the food would be ruined but I figured, fuck it, carpe diem and shit. I’m like the guy with the ticking bomb who sees red wire, yellow wire, only seconds to go gotta pick one…

I stirred it all around let it cook down a bit on top of the chik’n strips. If it didn’t work out I’d be dinnerless, and pissed. Turns out I picked the wire that made the bomb explode. The taste bomb I mean. A serious flavor explosion. So obviously I picked right. Naturally. Serious barbeque taste. Holy crap was it good. Way better than the bottled stuff that I had run out of. Spicy. Sweet. A bit of a bite from the vinegar. Made for some mean barbeque sandwiches. I’m like a chef or something.

Okay now here’s my idea to take it to the next level - see, I always gotta kick it up a notch - and to bring the price down - cuz I’m also thrifty as a thrifty thing on bargain night in thrift town. Instead of chik’n strips - those things are real pricey - I’ll do TVP, quinoa, and tofu. I’ll bake the tofu block for a while first so it gets kind of chewy and cooks out a lot of the water so it’ll be all set to soak up that BBQ goodness like a delicious sponge. Then chop it up and stir it all around with the other ingredients, add some onions and bell pepper. Maybe a dash of shredded carrots for crunch. Maybe even add a few beans, make it a quadruple protein overload of pure barbeque bliss.

Fuck yeah. It’s gonna be awesome. I’ll let you know. And I will never doubt the How To Cook Everything cookbook again.

Hey did I mention I got a dog? I did. She’s awesome. And cute. Awesomely cute. And I went on my first outdoor rock climbing trip too, on saturday. I’m not very good at it but I really like it. I’m still sore. Oh and school’s okay too, I guess. Ted, answer the damn phone next time.