Man I love Jawbreaker so much. I think I may take the plunge and get me one of them 4Fs as a tattoo.
They’ve got several songs where it’s like they wrote it as accompaniment for moments in my life. And they’ve got lots of songs that are beautiful and sad and angry. I’d say that many of them are perfect in the way that my good friend Jim (my oldest friend, in the sense of age-of-the-friendship - I’ve had more years of my life knowing him than years not) describes.
And some of them are not perfect, but their good traits make up for them. They’re songs I’m in love with, where I can’t see the flaws or I can but I don’t really see them, or where the imperfections are what makes it perfect, in a way.
Here’s one that speaks to me. It’s called “Gemini,” it’s the one I link to above. I love the combo of shouty singing plus loud guitar along with these sorts of lyrics. Probly says something about me as well.
Some of the lines I really like:
Says he will
Meaning he might
(…)
Socializing
Covers bets
(…)
Trust no one
Screen all calls
One on one or
None at all
(…)
Smile expresses strong resentment
Why do I like it? Because I feel like that. A lot of the time.
I try not to act like that, and some of that acting makes me feel less like that. This part of why Alain Badiou speaks to me, despite how incredibly hard to read he can be. I like his statement that a key ethical maxim is “keep going.” I’m told there’s a Beckett quote to this effect: “I can’t go on. I must go on.” It’s a matter of will and habit, I think - maintaining the will to go on when one lacks the habit, and maintaining the habit to go one when one lacks the will. Provided one doesn’t have a loss of both will and habit at the same time, everything should be good. At least good-ish.
“If I had a choice, don’t you think I’d make it?” And see, the reason it feels good is partly because feeling crappy like this - “Rained in and I won’t come unclouded” - involves a sense of isolation. Music like this provides a sense of connection, a sense of common experience of this stuff. It’s very powerful.
And I should say - this was post not intended to be this post. It was intended to be much shorter. I’ve been meandering in order to get away from the point I signed in to make.
I think I’m depressed. I’ve suspected off and on for a while. I have many smart and sophisticated things to say about this (again, at least -ish), but most of them amount to dodging the issue. The issue is that I don’t feel all that great, a lot of the time. And I’ve been that way for a very long time.
I read this list of symptoms of depression. I don’t have all of them, but I do have several, and reading it feels less like reading signs of a problem as it does reading a description of my character/personality traits. Or maybe it’s dysthymia.
Whatever it is, it sucks and it’s stupid. (Take that, condition! I think you’re stupid!) The “pretend it’s not the case” approach has not accomplished anything.
Time for plan B. Onward and upward. (I know I can write my way out of this. I am a model of resolve and diligence.)
Hey there - been missing your voice. It helps me, at times, as you’ve said above, just to “do” - affects and motivations sometimes follow actions… And even when they don’t, I sometimes at least find it reassuring that I’ve done… something… whatever it is… Shout out if you want a nice argument about social theory to distract you…
Take care…
Comment by N Pepperell — May 9, 2008 @ 12:22 am
Totally go for the 4F tattoo. When I think of “Hardy, God-fearing, Cheerful, Free” I think of you
Comment by John — May 10, 2008 @ 8:06 am
Provided one doesn’t have a loss of both will and habit at the same time, everything should be good.
There’s the rub. I hit a depressive spell I didn’t recognize until my will could no longer shore up my lapsed habits… then I found a “get out of jail free” card in a *medical leave* from my graduate program, and now I’m trying to figure out what to do, how not to be depressed, etc. Be that as it may, you’ve been an inspirational internet acquaintance for me, both politically and intellectually/academically! So, you know, you never know the affect your will, your habits, and your whims may produce. Do take care.
Comment by Yow — May 12, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
Thanks y’all.
John, I hope to be done with all my end of term work by Thursday (finishing my writing when I wake up in 4 hours, can’t work anymore w/ out some sleep, it’s due at 9am; then grading). If you’re around let’s get drunk. It’s been too long.
NP, I’ll look forward to the theory conversations after John and I sober up. Also been too long.
Yow, that’s really nice of you. Thanks.
What were you studying? What you thinking of doing now? Going back? Not going back? If not, doing … what?
I totally think Minnesota is depressing. Mostly weather-wise. It’s not so dark as Chicago winters (oh man those SUCKED) but it’s so incredibly cold, and so long. It’s like 6 months of winter. And if you compare the weather to what counts as weather in some other places, it could be like 7 months of winter. And summer is still too hot. Ugh.
Speaking of depressng, we picked up my cat’s ashes today :,( On the way home got into a chat about money and all that, had one of those “man if I was getting like a normal paycheck…” lines of thought followed by the “man if I had employable skills…” line of thought. Double downer.
On the plus side, gotten some nice notes from my students. Teaching rules. And my wife made Green Tea flavored pudding from scratch. That also rules.
take care,
Nate
Comment by Nate — May 13, 2008 @ 3:24 am
Nate, love you man. Take care of yourself, we’ve all all had the hard moments.
Comment by Adam W. — May 16, 2008 @ 4:16 am