I’ve been vaguely down for a while, another bout of low grade depression. Not tired so much as unmotivated. A lack of will, if you will: it’s hard to make myself stop or start things. Inertial. A little bit lonely and a little bit anti-social. That’s a crap combo. And going over in my head what seems like everything.
One thing that is highly therapeutic is shouting. Loudly. Shouting along, to be specific. Tonight I broke out an Avail album I haven’t listened to for a very long time, played it loudly while washing dishes. That’s a nice combo. Scrub, shout, rinse, repeat. I accomplish something needing doing, I do something enjoyable, and I feel better afterward.
Speaking of music and enjoyable things, tip of the hat (metaphorically, I don’t wear a hat, at least one that’s tippable and even if I did I don’t know what it means to tip a hat) to my pal Jim’s new music writing blog. I particularly like his post about Sugar. (I got a short story published (on the interweb) once about a Sugar song.)
Maybe what I need is a nice compliment like this.
Comment by Nate — January 15, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
YESSSSSSSSSS.
Goddamn that album is unfuckingbelieveable. The first time I got to go see a show because of something I wrote, it was an avail show, last year. I got to see my buddy Joe lose his shit in the pit, something he pretty much never does anymore. It was beautiful.
Thanks for the shout out. I love you, man.
Comment by Jim Withington — January 17, 2008 @ 2:32 am
oh, and that post about sugar was of the “argh, hell with it, no more editing, just post it” variety. glad to hear that it was still worth reading. “Perfect” rally is a playlist I have, and it will certainly be a feature over at HLA
Comment by Jim Withington — January 17, 2008 @ 2:34 am
That’s great that you wrote your way into an Avail show, I’m impressed. I saw them at Ye Olde Fireside Bowle with Boy Sets Fire in like… 1999? Talk to you later…
Comment by Nate — January 17, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
i’m pretty sure i was at that show with you, duder.
Comment by Jim Withington — January 17, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Were you? The one with Colin?
Comment by Nate — January 17, 2008 @ 7:44 pm
Yo Nate! I just discovered yer blog here. Keep up the seriously good work.
OBU,
Brendan from St. Paul
Comment by Brendan — January 17, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
pretty sure i was, yeah! i think it was where i bought that album.
Comment by Jim Withington — January 19, 2008 @ 12:47 am
I’m intrigued by your idea. Shouting — I guess I never thought of that because that’s outside the bounds of being a “good neighbor.” I used to shout and sing a lot as a kid. When we moved out to the middle of nowhere, I wasn’t embarrassed or worried that I’d be disturbing someone. Years later, I’d be afraid I couldn’t do it. I’m completely out of shouting practice. Do I still know how to release that energy? Maybe not.
January appears to be a breaking point or at least a “release period” for winter frustration, SAD, or whatever you’d like to call it. Now, is it a constructed phenomenon, nice names for something that doesn’t exist, or a more realistic take on human moods? Before the idea cropped up, it seemed like everyone was having “depressions.” Of course, some still try to fight “mood disorders” with medication. So perhaps we should cross out “disorder” and just say that winter is naturally scary in the north?
I hear that eating more jam can help. (Summer in a jar?) I’m taking vitamin D.
It’s a dark day. It’s near noon and I need a reading lamp.
Meanwhile, I’m reading your short story. Thanks for providing the link.
Comment by Januaries — January 19, 2008 @ 5:02 am
hi Januaries,
When I read the last line of your comment my first thought was “oh dear,” part of why I don’t do that sort of writing anymore
Jam as summer in a jar, eh? I like that. I think maybe it’s the sugar? I don’t know. Shouting - very therapeutic. I learned to shout by turning up music really loud. When I used to play in bands and things I could only ’sing’ (shout, it was those sorts of bands) because the music was very loud. This also works well for me in part because much of the music I listen to is shouty.
And yes, winter is hard in the north. It’d be better to spend it further south. The good part is that it kills off bugs, that’s the main bonus to the hard winters.
Jim, it’s funny that my memory (and maybe yours?) is fuzzy on that. So many rock shows, I guess, they start to blur. Not completely but sort of like a photograph showing motion (did I ever show you those photos from the fireside from back when I did photo? I actually have some of an Avail show)
take care,
Nate
Comment by Nate — January 19, 2008 @ 6:23 am
No need for “oh dear.” I won’t pelt you with compliments, but it was a pleasurable read. By “that sort of writing” you mean fiction? I have my own issues concerning writing and facing texts I wrote. I’m only (more or less) fine when I tell myself they are in the eternal draft phase. Otherwise, killer perfectionism would make me either destroy them once the last word was put down or stop writing at all. And though it’s hardly probable that the world “needs” my writing, I enjoy the process, nevertheless.
Hmm… maybe I should switch to making jam? The product wouldn’t be a problem then.
So do you still write fiction? And if you do, where could I find it?
Good luck struggling with winter
Comment by Januaries — January 19, 2008 @ 11:39 am
hi Januaries,
“pelt with compliments” is a great phrase! Glad it was a pleasurable read. It’s funny, I don’t identify w/ that stuff (yeah, I mean writing fiction, which to answer your question, I haven’t written any except fragments for 3 or 4 years -ish), like since from a while ago it doesn’t feel like a product of me (this me, the one I identify with) anymore but I still feel real shy about it.
Re: other stuff, that’s kind of you to ask. I have a list of them here - http://whatinthehell.blogsome.com/mine/
I totally hear you on the need to insist “it’s a draft!”, that’s the only way I can write, and I’m the same way - once I can get out of my own way then I find writing (of whatever sort, mostly) really enjoyable. I bet if I put as much time into making jam I’d be nervous about that too…
take care,
Nate
Comment by Nate — January 19, 2008 @ 4:11 pm
Well, compliments or snowballs… Compliments can be insincere and awkward. Snowballs can’t.
It’s interesting what you say about identifying with a text. The other Krapp problem, as I call it. Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape is about the problem of identifying with the self from the past (is that me, or a separate being in a separate moment I cannot reach?); I think about the problem of reading your own text as something similar. Oneness/separateness. Identification or… I’m not sure if detachment is the opposite or that sense of shyness that you mention… The impossibility of following the flow of words, because it conflates with tracing back thoughts that are still with you, then the embarrassment (could I have thought and written it that way?), and lastly–maybe–separateness. I don’t know about that last stage. Some say they reach it. I don’t think I ever have. But then maybe I burn paper too easily/ delete files without much thought…
Yes, I believe I too would have to stay in the draft stage of jam to feel at least a trace of satisfaction. Drafts of jam… that’s close to drafts of poison, no?
Comment by Januaries — January 19, 2008 @ 8:15 pm
hey again,
I like that joke re: drafts of jam and poison
cheers,
Nate
Comment by Nate — January 20, 2008 @ 12:53 am
Nate nate nate.
Enjoy:
Comment by Jim Withington — February 29, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
crap, blogs don’t like the embed link.
so here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-lUCQmvPSY
Comment by Jim Withington — February 29, 2008 @ 2:46 pm